I’ve believed man to be the most dangerous of all animals for a while. And when I say man, I mean the entire species; though men and women may be dangerous for different reasons. Primarily though, the first threat is their ability to think, and the second, to speak.
Gossiping was a favourite sport in school, but school was decades ago. A lot of good people were hurt along the way, and I learnt my lesson and kept it with me. Not a religious person by nature, I once read something in the Quran that kinda stuck with me.
O you who believe! Avoid much suspicion, indeed some suspicions are sins. And spy not, neither backbite one another. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother? You would hate it (so hate backbiting). [49:12]
As someone who avoids eating any kind of meat except chicken – which she-devil insists is actually a vegetable – the idea of eating deceased flesh is kinda repulsive. (and my phobia of meat developed after reading Manto’s Thanda Gosht). It doesn’t mean I don’t gossip at all. Or bitch. It simply means I try not to. And when I realize I’m doing it, I stop. And I try to switch subjects.
Over the last few years, people have stopped being interesting enough to talk about. Mostly, they aren’t even interesting enough to talk to. But things happen. And things get said. And you wish you’d never heard them, if only to maintain your own sanity.
In the beginning
Once upon a time in Alice’s Wonderland, Dorothy walked in to Alice’s office. Dorothy’s Oz had been destroyed by a wicked witch and Dorothy needed to make a new home. Alice helped out Dorothy with agents and landlords and suggested suitable areas until Dorothy announced she loved Alice’s building. Alice and Dorothy continued exchanging emails since Alice had gone Through the Looking Glass and one day Dorothy emailed Alice the happy news that she’d found an apartment just like Alice’s – in Alice’s building – on the same floor too!
And that when things got trippy.
Day I
Dorothy to Alice: hey! Guess what!
A: what?
D: Barbie thinks we don’t live in XXX. She said you don’t know what you are talking about.
A: I moved there three months ago, I signed the tenancy contract. I think I know where I live.
D: *giggle* yeah, but Barbie thinks that isn’t XXX. She says it’s some random underdeveloped place.
A: since her husband isn’t financing my apartment, she shouldn’t care where I live. And next time she discusses my home with you, please remind her of that.
Day II
D: I got a roomie-R. She’s awesome!
A: Hey, im glad you have company.
Day V (Weekend I)
Doorbell to Alice’s apartment rings at ten in the morning, in the middle of Alice’s annual slumber party. Not expecting or prepared for any visitors, Alice answers the door in her pajamas.
Roomie: ALICE! Hey! Look, my brother is over! I really wanted you to meet him!
A: uh… hey R. hello brother… I uh… dude, im in my pajamas and ive got people over… this is not a good time…
R: haha, no, we were just on our way out…
Day VIII
D: So like, those guys called.
A: which ones?
D: Sherlock and Slylock … they wanted to know more about you.
A: meh. Im the second most hated person in Wonderland and I have it on record. People want to talk. Whatever.
D: noo! But see, ever since you went into a relationship with She-Devil on facebook, Sherlock’s been curious if you are actually gay. Slylock seems to think your relationship status on facebook is proof enough.
A: tell Sherlock to go eat shit.
D: noo! He was like, ‘no that you are in the same building and you know her better, do you think she’s actually… you know…’ to which I was like… ‘from what I can tell, I don’t think so’
And then he was like, ‘ you’ve seen her apartment?’ to which I said yeah, and he was like, ‘are you sure?’
A: *sigh* Dorothy, why didn’t you just tell him I was gay, it’s probably the most exciting thing to have happened to him since… since his parents had unprotected sex thirty five years ago.
D: so what should I tell him?
A: tell him I have wild orgies and coke parties in my apartment every night, and that my neighbours have to call the cops to calm things down. And then don’t tell me what he says.
Day XIV
D: heh. Barbie wants to know what you eat. What you do in your free time. Who you hang out with. Barbie is a fan…
A: *sigh* dude, I hope you haven’t been answering her questions. Can you please pretend we aren’t friends?
Day XVII
D: Alice, what have you been telling people about yourself?
A: nothing. I don’t speak Wonderlandese.
D: Barbie was trying to find out what’s up with you.
A: NOW WHAT?! WHAT is up with me?!
D: well… it’s just… she thinks… well… she was just saying, you know, the way you are, and well, she heard from someone at the bank that you were in a broken relationship.
A: excuse me?
D: no, it’s just that… she says the reason you don’t dress up for work is because someone hurt you bad and you never got over it
A: ok. Enough of this crap. Critters in Wonderland have too much time on their hands, and you need to STOP TELLING ME THIS SHIT! Also, please do me a favour and tell Barbie one more word about me and im going to file a harassment complaint CCing everyone including the President of Wonderland.
Day XVIII (a)
Apparently Dorothy passed Alice’s threat on to Barbie because the next morning before breakfast buffet was served, Barbie was at Alice’s desk.
Barbie: Alice, I don’t know what you’ve heard, but I know it couldn’t have been the full story
Alice: I don’t know what you are talking about.
B: look, I just wanted to clear things up, it’s just, you know the reputation you have in wonderland…
A: im sorry, im not aware of any reputation…
B: well, it’s just… you know, people don’t like you, you are generally unapproachable… very unfriendly… some people go as far as to say you are a bitch…
A: excuse me?
B: no, no! I know you aren’t… and I was just trying to justify to them that people are the way they are for a reason…
A: Barbie, I appreciate your concern, but I don’t think you need to make excuses for me.
B: no, I was just trying to explain…
A: I don’t think you are in a position to offer any explanations, since ive painstakingly kept my personal life separate from my professional one… and I would appreciate if you didn’t discuss me in future. Ever.
B: I uh… yes, of course.
A: excellent. Im glad we’ve been able to sort this out.
Day XVIII (b)
Dorothy: ALICEEEEEEEEE!!! Guess who’s coming over to stay at my place?
A: oh man.
D: wormtongue!
A: good luck.
D: she’s spending the weekend… it’s gonna be a pardddaaay!
A: umm. Dorothy, im having a thing at my house on Thursday, and I won’t be home the whole weekend. In any case, I don’t think im comfortable with wormtongue visiting, so please can you spare me her visits?
D: are you sure? What’s the problem?
A: I don’t socialize with people from wonderland, and I don’t want to make new friends and im just not comfortable with her visiting. Can you please manage that?
D: awe…! Ok, sure.
Day XXI (Monday morning)
Dorothy: uh… wormtongue was desperate to visit you.
A: I know she was. That’s why I’d warned you in advance. Not happening.
D: what’s going on? She was very curious about you. I had to physically stop her from stepping out.
A: she isn’t the only one. I might be the bearded lady, but I’m not a circus freak. And my life is NOT up for public viewing.
D: she wanted to know where you car was parked, and then the whole weekend, she was mentioning how it was still there.
A: whatever.
D: this morning she wanted to know why you hadn’t left for work. I told her you show up about half an hour late.
A: oh.my.fucking.god. Ok. Stop. Now. Please. Also, she’s going to suggest a second trip and she’s still not invited to my place.
D: …
Day Infinity
Alice had a friend coming over and She-Devil decided to be conveniently away. At 6:45pm, again unannounced, unexpected, the doorbell rang. It was Roomie.
R: Alice! I was worried about you… you might have overslept or something…
Alice, mind you, usually makes it to work on time, so this sudden concern at iftar time was surprising.
A: thanks R, that’s really sweet of you to check on me, and no, I actually have a friend over and we were having iftar…
R (handing over a container filled with goodies): great, I brought you food.
A: awe thanks hun! [insert smiley face]
R: OMG, your curls look so good! Are they natural?
A: uh… Yeah… so, where’s Dorothy?
R: she’s in the apartment. I just woke up…
A: ahan. Well, I’d have invited you in but i have a guest and it would just get weird…
Alice returned to her guest after that surreal meeting and exactly 30 minutes later – during an intense game of Wii tennis, the door bell rang again. This time it was Dorothy WITH Roomie returning various items borrowed from Alice.
A: hi…?
D: hi…! I came to return you stuff!
A: uh. Thanks, it wasn’t urgent…
D: no we thought you might need it…
A: umm. Thanks. That’s very thoughtful of you. Umm… I’d already told R, I’ve got some people over or I would’ve called you guys in for tea or coffee or something.
D: no, no, we were just leaving…
What.the…?!
Creatures in wonderland seem to lack a life. Too bad Alice wont share hers.
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My advice to Alice would be similar to what this guy says:
“Don’t focus on the one guy who hates you. You don’t go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog shit.”
From what I gather, Alice likes Dorothy. As for getting Dorothy to stop pointing out those piles of shit, it will take time, but it’s not impossible.
Here’s also a useful resource on rights to privacy in islam.
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Disclaimer: Some of you may point out that Alice was bitching in this entire post. We’d disagree. We considered that possibility before putting up this post. Only three people who have ever read this blog know one or two of the characters in this brilliant piece of fiction. Two of them wont even read the post because they no longer visit the blog.
Secondly. This post contains things that were said about Alice and brought to Alice’s attention. Alice has not replied in kind nor discussed anything about the creatures of wonderland, except their seemingly unhealthy obsession with her. because it’s an invasion of her privacy and that is something she has a right to complain about.
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